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Chrysalis in Cabinet

How the Government Hatched their Brexit Plans

Brexit has been described as a tumultuous time in British Politics. This is mainly because the mainstream press has decided against using a more accurate set of four-letter words to describe the situation, but nevertheless they have been talking about it. The front pages of all the mainstream papers have soaked themselves in as much non-information about Brexit as possible. While Brexit is something which should be talked about, it could be argued that the United Kingdom’s exile from Europe could be suffocating more important news stories. Examples of these are the police taking the government to court due to more budget cuts, the NHS being sold to as many money-hungry tax-avoiders as possible and Phillip Green being revealed to be exactly what everyone expected him to be. This list of stories being overlooked because of Brexit is far too long to be written out, so I am going to focus on one particular incident, which took place during Prime Minister’s Questions this Halloween.

In the middle of the weekly vaudevillian interrogation of the Prime Minister Theresa May hatched from what is now believed to be a pupal state and began to feed on her own MPs. In a brutal display of power May left her exoskeleton, nibbled through the skulls of half a dozen backbenchers, ripped off John Bercow’s gaudy tie and flew out of the House of Commons. This was not picked up by The Guardian, The New York Times or any other major newspaper. The BBC have not yet reported on events, but this is because they are waiting for May to return, in her final form, and be interviewed by Matt Baker on The One Show before they pass judgement.

Beryl Slocomb, a leading researcher for the Department of Biological Science believes that May is part of a rare breed of giant moth, known as Lepidoptera Odor-Fortis. Slocomb states the evidence for this can be seen in the bite marks left around the now empty skull of Gareth Johnson, MP for Dartford. ‘The incision marks left around the edges of the hole in his skull are typical of the Lepidoptera Odor-Fortis,’ says Slocomb, "Usually the creatures survive from eating rotten wood, but this one appears to have developed a taste for the brains of government backbenchers, which is very unusual indeed." Slocomb states that if May had been honest about her status as a giant moth preventative measures could have been put into place, such as placing a giant light bulb in the middle of the House of Commons. Although warning signs were apparently there, such as May’s alleged dancing at this year’s Conservative Party Conference. "In retrospect," says Slocomb, "those onstage movements were probably a sign of May getting ready to hatch with her chrysalis becoming too stiff for her to move freely. This explains why she looked so rigid and lifeless."

Prior to his skull being hollowed out like a jack-o-lantern, Johnson had been critical of May’s stance on Brexit. A spokesperson for the government says this attack was purely coincidental. The same spokeswoman also stated that, until May returns to Downing Street, Jacob Rees-Mogg will act as Prime Minister while wearing what remains of her coating. The spokeswoman has stated that Rees-Mogg is, "undoubtedly jubilant," about the situation as it brings him, "one step closer to becoming Mother."  

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