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by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
As the old saying goes, the fish intimidates from the head down.
Roger “Kid” Niestonewallander, feng shui and character assassination consultant to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, recently attacked former New York State Attorney Preet Mahabharara on Twitherd. Given that President McDruhitmumpf fired all of the State Attornsey General (dammit — I never know how to pluralize compound nouns!), you might wonder what is to be gained by such an attack.
Could it be an attempt to destroy Mahabharara’s reputation? Hard to see how it could. Consider:
WHAT NIESTONEWALLANDER TWEEPS: “Preet will go down in defeat! Despite having a green card, he’s gonna be disbarred! #toobadsosad”
WHAT MCDRUHITMUMPF SUPPORTERS HEAR: “Fie, fie on thee, foul blackguard! Thou art well and truly daggered! Thou art accurs’d, vile son of a whore, to work on this planet never more! #epictragedy”
WHAT MAHABHARARA SUPPORTERS HEAR: “Nyah, nyah, boogerhead! You’re goin’ down! You’re career is dead! Going down hard! On yer...head! Ha ha ha ha ha #angelsweep”
“I suppose these bully tactics might work well against naive real estate investors from Butte Fuque, Montana,” commented famed VCLU lawyer Alan Greenurpassterspanz. “That’s pronounced ‘Boot Foo-kay,’ by the way. Wouldn’t want you readers to think I was being unintentionally rude.”
“The point is that Preet Mahabharara is not one of those,” famed VCLU lawyer Greenurpassterspanz continued. “He state lawyered in New York. His life was threatened by professionals. The lives of his family were threatened by professionals. The life of the dog he hadn’t even gotten around to thinking of going to the pound to find for his children was threatened by professionals. We’re talking about thorough professional threateners, here! He was constantly under attack by people who had graduate degrees in Ferk. You. Up. The McDruhitmumpf administration? Amateurs!”
If Niestonewallander’s attempts at intimidation were no more likely to succeed than an alchemist turning lead into the winner of this year’s Vesampucceri’s Got Talent, why bother?
“He was...umm...playing to the President’s base?” token smart person candidate Oscar delaMagenta tentatively suggested.
“Go on,” we prompted.
“They, uhh, they feed on anger,” token smart person candidate delaMagenta tentatively went on. “That has to, you know, be stoked every so often or it could go out. So, President McDruhitmumpf and his surrogates...say something outrageous as often as they can. You know, to keep the anger alive.”
“Mmm...interesting theory. There’s probably some truth in it. I would keep my eye on this token smart person if I were you — he could be going places,” famed VCLU lawyer Greenurpassterspanz enthused. “In this case, he’s completely wrong, but in an interesting way.”
“Awwwww,” token smart person candidate delaMagenta moaned.
Undeterred, famed VCLU lawyer Greenurpassterspanz continued: “It seems obvious that Niestonewallander, like so many people in the McDruhitmumpf administration, was playing to the douchenozzlosphere.”
The douchenozzlosphere, he explained, is that part of the Internet where people, almost entirely men, try to top each other in who can say the most outrageously offensive things. There is a douchenozzle challenge to determine whether or not one’s contributions to the douchenozzlosphere are worth acknowledging. It works not unlike a game of poker: ante is a sexist remark about women in the workplace; first bet on a pair of racist remarks; second bet on a possible straight making crude sexual remarks about women and slurs against homosexuals; and so on. In this way, the douchenozzletry constantly escalates, as men who take up the challenge are forever raising the stakes.
“Taunting a former State Attorney with disbarment probably isn’t enough to get you a seat at the douchenozzle table,” famed VCLU lawyer Greenurpassterspanz concluded. “But is is a clear signal that you want in on the game.”
“W...whu...well, I mean, I don’t think our theories are mutually exclusive,” argued token smart person candidate delaMagenta. “Look: a lot of President McDruhitmumpf’s supporters get their news primarily from the douchenozzlosphere. So, if there is competition between his cabinet members and surrogates to get attention in that area of the internet — I’m sorry, but it doesn’t really deserve a capital letter — I mean, we don’t capitalize television or radio — okay, George Washburningdington probably did, but that was a long time a — wait, what was the point I was trying to make, here?”
“Humph! Poor boy can’t even bring his digressive sentences home!” muttered famed VCLU lawyer Greenurpassterspanz. Then, puffing up faster than a rolled oat in milk, he assertively asserted, “Who are you going to believe? A lawyer who is so well known that he has ‘famed’ in his every journalistic reference, or a pizza pusher wannabe token smart person?”
Token smart person candidate delaMagenta gulped and replied, “I fold.”