As the Brown family watched the evening news, they decided that the snooty news presenter seemed far too condescending...
"Mr. P Bear of 32 Windsor Gardens, London has been taken into custody today amidst Marmalade Trafficking allegations. His adoptive parents, Mr. and Mrs. Brown fear their furry child may be extradited... Foreign Affairs Minister Boris Buttwaffle was unavailable for comment but issued a statement denying any Government knowledg about the Sandwich Incidents at the popular gap year destination, Macchu Piccu..."
After the Brexit shambles of 2019, and all the financial cuts forced on everyone not working in Westminster, times got hard in the UK. Funds cut to those on benefits forced them into crime, and recorded arrest numbers increased by 203 percent in the year following our departure from the EU.
Protests and riots over living standards led government ministers to look for other sources of revenue, and it was all going according to plan until Boris Buttwaffle accidentally sold the UK to a Peruvian druglord, whilst thinking he was hiding money in a tax avoidance account in South America.
The incident was raised during Prime Minister's question time this week. Ministers of the anti-immigration party suggested using the opportunity to get rid of Peruvian immigrants, and if Peru didn't like it, too bad.
Economics ministers began to look into possible trade deals, just in case the situation turned out not to be so bad after all... and stumbled onto reports of the ongoing Marmalade trade.
Interpol Raid Macchu Piccu
Interpol and the Peruvian police and customs officers spent four days travelling to Macchu Piccu to carry out a raid on burberry clad bears reportedly hovering around the place asking "Oi! Mate! - Wanna a buy a sandwich?"
The dealers, some of them being Paddington's cousins, were very upset when arrested for marmalade dealing, as they couldn't prove that all the sandwiches were for personal use.
Ted, an American cousin of Paddington, simply couldn't understand all the fuss. He pointed out that the sandwiches were on gluten free bread made from fair trade camel shit... so they should be suitable for vegans and millenials. It wasn't like they were trying to poison anyone...
Dealers Caught Trading on eBay
The marmalade was being made secretly in the Brown family's cellar, and sold globally over eBay. Dealers in Peru collect their packages from a drop-off point at the Inca Trail Train Station before catching the train to popular tourist destination Macchu Piccu (pictured above) to meet with customers. Local police were tipped off after reports of many youngsters "hanging around the place with bits of toast."
What Now for the Addicts?
Percival Wankbottom, a pretentious hipster Tory Undergraduate from Eton, was travelling through Peru while on his gap year and was caught up in the raid. His parents are going to be awfully upset.
He was crying so hard his travelling companions thought Katie Hopkins had tried to talk to him or something...
Percival cried aloud, "Oh, gracious! Mummykins will stop my allowance and make me get an actual job now..."His parents confirmed they have contacted their private healthcare specialists to get him into rehab back home in London, but fear he may already have developed a sweet tooth or want to join a diabetics cult.
Bear: "I just fell on really hard times..."
Mr. Bear told our reporter today that he became involved in illegal Marmalade trading because he was desperate for cash after his benefits were cut. After many years claiming disability benefits because he had no thumbs, Mr. Bear had his only income cut because DWP assessors found him fit for work, even though he can't pick anything up or even do up the buttons on his wee blue duffle coat.
Mr. Bear claims his human adoptive family have to throw his red hat at his head because he can't pick it up and put in on his head without assistance.
DWP spokesman Terry Twat commented this afternoon:
Despite sending us proof of his lack of thumbs on seven separate occasions and Mr. Bear undergoing three medical assessments, we still do not believe a bear has no opposable thumbs, and is therefore incapable of carrying out the tasks involved in all three of the jobs advertised."
Bear Considers Revolutionary Thumb Job Surgery
Mr. Bear, pictured above, explained that he has no thumbs so he can't mix drinks or juggle knives, and so did not attend the job interviews. He shows his paws, to prove he really has no thumbs as the DWP won't believe him.
When questioned about possible income sources, he explained that a bloke down the pub said he'd cook up some marmalade to sell, if he could tell him the recipe and cut him in on the cash made.
Thinking it was that or surgery, a thumb job, Mr. Bear said he thought he'd give the marmalade selling a try first.
He is taking information about cosmetic surgery to give him thumbs under advisement. A fundraising page has been started, with links on several social media sites.
Mr. Bear said that if he had known about this type of surgery being available, he would never have gotten in this mess in the first place. He agreed that the prospect of a knife-juggling career sounded fun.
More information on Mr. Bear's extradition case will follow shortly.