I Am Here to Offend You...

If I were to call you a “twat,” what would you do—what would you say? I bet you would get upset. Now, getting upset is just fine. Not to say I would care, but getting upset is far better than the alternative—getting “offended.” What is the point of that anyway? I personally don’t get it... but in actuality, yes, I do get it; allow me to elaborate.

The whole “political correctness” rubbish—people choosing to be offended by something they don’t like can be umbrellaed with various other things. In fact, all of this stems from one very obvious thing. You might even liken it to a condition that much of our society suffers from:

• Religion: The desire to follow
• Vanity: The need for attention
• Social media: The need for acceptance (I didn’t actually need to include this one, but I found it to be an amusing addition)

The list is virtually endless—quite literally, really. Have you figured out the condition yet? The catalyst for the slippery slope we are all boogying on down? No? Let me reveal the dirty little secret that many of you are hiding deep in your conditioned little souls:

INSECURITY!! Yes. That’s right, folks. That grungy little bastard that punishes you on a daily basis. The fuck that tells you that you look like a bag of dicks with little-to-no chance of getting laid tonight. That your latest “selfie” looks like a spotty troll submitted themselves to a FUGLY Contest—Twenty cream pies as the prize to feed your diabetes-ridden fat ass.

“How, Al?! How do you narrow all of this down to insecurity?!”

Don’t be a tard. You don’t really need me to explain the logic. You’re just too ignorant, too unintelligent, or just too stubborn to admit that you’re already aware—too proud to point at the cesspool before you that likes to refer to itself as Society.

Okay, I’ll pander to your ignorance briefly.

Religion: I feel this is the most obvious example. If you feel the need to follow a leader, and I don’t just mean a God, then that speaks a volume so high, that God Herself has bleeding ears right now! If you sell yourself to any kind of “way of life” that requires strict amounts of following or beliefs that are not originally your own, but now they have to be otherwise... well... you’re fucked, then that, my friend, is a dangerous path to be on, and if you can’t see that then there is no help for you—you may as well just commit yourself... like, immediately.

So back to my initial point. Being offended.

You’re a cunt. Why should that offend you, and why is this disease so prevalent? I’ll tell you why, just in case you haven’t been following my point: The germ that is "insecurity" has reached what I would call PANDEMIC levels. It truly is a disease for which we may need a vaccine, and quick! It is as though to be offended has become some new trend. That, guys, is going to one day bring us all down to our knees, along with any access we once had to our rights. And as I said, it’s all because of those pesky insecurities. The need to be noticed, the desire to have some form of acceptance from even those people you really don’t even like. If you tell someone that you are offended by something they have said or done, what are you expecting in return? An apology more than likely, which, in turn, is their acceptance of you—or, at the very least, an acknowledgment that they may have been wrong and you were right (they probably weren’t wrong but that’s what YOU want to believe). Are you seeing how pathetic this all is yet? Is your petty, little, entitled mind getting used to this newfound knowledge? You have the right to be offended, but fuck you for dwelling in the River of Belief that you have the right to enforce that emotion on other people—you keep it up, and there will be no room left for your “right” to be offended, because we will have to get stern permission just to speak, just in case there is someone who might be offended by what you are about to say—trust me on that.

“But, Al, some jokes ARE offensive!”

Bollocks, quite honestly—big, hairy bollocks! If we have to curb our humour because some nob might not like it, then we may as well ban movies, TV shows, the news... all of which feature many scenes that could offend, and should offend. Why should comedy be the bastard child that gets touched up by dirty uncle Clive with the sharp-and-dirty fingernails? Comedy exists to bring a bit of relief to a fucked up world with little-to-no chance of ever freeing itself from the reigns of terror, and as I’ve already pretty much stated, someone will always be offended by something—should we avoid "Knock, knock" jokes just in case someone with no hands gets pissed off by it? Is it wrong for us to even USE our hands come to that, because some people don’t have any?! Oh, wow—maybe we should all give up eating because some people are starving! How dare I masturbate my penis when some poor sap lost his in a machinery accident yesterday! Yes, that really is how stupid this is all getting, people. Just a bit of truth for you to swallow. Have at it.

We all came out of a hole, and we will all end up back in one at the end of it all (unless you have other plans), so what’s the point in destroying the in-between parts for everyone else, just because you have a fucking insecure chip on YOUR shoulder? Live your life. Let others live theirs, and sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.

Until next time, enjoy yourselves!