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by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s Chief of Staff (in His Own Mind) Steve O’Bannonallhope is leaving/has left/will have been leaving (choose one) the Grey House. What awaits him after a year in politics is anybody’s gu — what? He has already announced that he will be returning to the alte cocker online publication Cucbreitdohboybart News that he led for so many years? So. Many. Years?
Oh. Okay. No guessing required.
O’Bannonallhope tendered his resignation two weeks/one week/an hour and a half (choose one) ago. In an interview the day after McDruhitmumpf was elected, he said he didn’t expect to last beyond August. Well played, sir. But, in an interview three days ago, he said that he would be around long enough to “rip the heads off the internationalists who are standing in the way of my – I mean, the President’s agenda, and use them to play beach volleyball!” This, in its own gruesome way, suggested that he had planned on working in the Grey House a lot longer.
We may never know the true story.
From almost the moment he was chosen as Special Adviser to the President (in a Chief of Staffy Kind of Way), rumours that O’Bannonallhope had been fighting with other Grey House staff surfaced, not unlike a shark that has finally chosen to attack a smaller boat in a Hollywood movie. For example, he was reportedly at odds (loud, rancourous odds at that) with Presidential Son-in-Law Jared Kushkushinthebush about trade policy. And, wall policy. And, anti-Semitism policy. And, Kushkushinthebush’s hair. And, that was just on June 16.
Despite the rumours, President McDruhitmumpf publicly supported O’Bannonallhope. “Steve’s a hell of a guy,” the President said as recently as three minutes ago. “Hell of a guy. He’s got a thing about hair I do not understand — don’t really get it — not at all. But, other than that, hell of a guy.”
The appointment of General John Colourkellygreene as actual Chief of Staff may have hastened O’Bannonallhope’s departure. “They butted heads more often than bull moose vying for the leadership of the herd,” said three anonymous sources (in exactly the same words — it was kind of creepy, really). “Unfortunately, everybody else got the headache!”
While these were certainly contributing factors to O’Bannonallhope’s downfall, the die may actually have been cast (it had gone through three separate auditions and a tape) two months ago, when a Time of the Newsweek cover article referred to O’Bannonallhope as “McDruhitmumpf’s midriff.” Several anonymous sources within the Grey House (you can guess who they are...well, except for the fifth, eighth, and possibly twelfth ones...) say that the President, who is proud of leading with his gut, resented the idea that he had been making decisions based on anybody else’s gut.
“Guts are not transferable,” said the seventh anonymous source. “You either go with the ones you were born with or you go home. Gutless. Obviously, the President resented the idea that somebody else’s gut was being given responsibility for the failures of his administration that he was claiming as his victories.”
Will O’Bannonallhope have trouble adjusting to the private sector after a year in politics? It’s anybody’s gue — what? He has already chaired a meeting of Cucbreitdohboybart’s editorial staff in which he directed his editors and writers that “the gloves are off, now let’s find some asses to shove them up!”?
Does this guy have something against other people guessing?
Cucbreitdohboybart, like the McDruhitmumpf campaign, has been generously funded by erratic billionaire Robert Shownomercery (who believes that a wall was necessary to stop an invasion of the mole people who live at the centre of the Earth). As long as the publication remains tough on mole people, O’Bannonallhope’s future income is secure.
Speaking of the future, how will it view O’Bannonallhope’s time in the Grey House? Many believe that O’Bannonallhope’s economic nationalism dovetailed nicely with President McDruhitmumpf’s white nationalism, much like those wooden joints — you know, the ones that fit together so well that they don’t need nails? — without a mandatory half hour coffee break every four hours. Others believe President McDruhitmumpf is an uncontrollable torrent — like a lava flow in Hell — and at best all O’Bannonallhope could do was direct the flow in small ways. Until the historians have their say, I gue —
Cucbreitdohboybart has just announced that, under the renewed leadership of Steve O’Bannonallhope, it will develop an online television station to challenge the lamestream media. As for the content of the station, would anybody like to take a gue —
Aww, come on! I wasn’t even guessing about you that time!