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Dear Donald: Please Shut The F*&^ Up

No, really, shut up. Stop. Staaaahhhhhp it.

Dear Donald, 

I'm a pansexual, nonbinary/transgender individual who rallies for legalized cannabis. So, to a point, that's basically a guarantee that you wouldn't have gotten my vote, unless I was already dead. I think you're the worst president to ever be elected. 

However, I am an American, and to a point, there's a certain level of representation that you, the president of my country, will end up doing on my behalf — simply by the merit of being elected by my fellow neighbors. 

So, to a point, I feel like we're stuck together until Mueller unceremoniously grabs you by the nape of the neck, drags you offstage, and charges you with treason. Considering that that's the case, I feel like I need to advise you on how to carry on your presidential duties. 

Here's how. 


Ready for it? 


No, really. SHUT UP.

Just shellack that duct tape right over your mouth, buddy. 

Please, for the love of all that is holy, in the name of sweet baby Jesus, shut your idiot mouth and get your staffers to confiscate your phone from you so that you stop your unhinged-ass rants on Twitter

I mean, for fuck's sake, bro, your most popular tweet was one that was all about #covfefe — and no one even knows what that was aside from a drunken fuckup. Worst part is, I'm not even sure you were drunk when that stirring brainfart of a tweet was made published. 

Over the past couple of months, you've managed to make our country the butt of every joke in politics right now. Like, if I went abroad, I'd be fucking embarrassed to come from the country whose president recently said that he "didn't know Category 5 hurricanes existed."

Seriously. That alone reminded me of that Insane Clown Posse song about miracles. Except, you know, ICP was uplifting in that song, while hearing that you don't know how hurricanes work after 37 people died is just depressing. 

"Fucking hurricanes, how do they work?!"

President, or Detroit rapper? 

Even if I was a Republican, I would be facepalming so damned hard right now over half of the verbal diarrhea you've passed off as a speech, a presidential tweet, or an "order" to a foreign country that universally ends up in some sort of diplomatic incident. 

Your faux pas in the international community are so bad, they are on the verge of starting a nuclear war with North Korea. I think that Republicans, even hawkish ones, wouldn't want to have to send our soldiers to fight in a nuclear war. 

But, let's not even get to that point. Let's just talk about the fact that you've managed to alienate all our allies by blabbering Israeli intelligence to the news, having your idiots in council accidentally admit Russian ties, and also just, well, turning into the kid at school that no one likes but everyone is too polite to sock the crap out of. 

You've legitimately squandered any and all respect you've had in the diplomatic community. Don't believe it? Let's see how that wall-building promise you made is turning out. 

"LOL, we don't have the money, Mexico will pay for it."

Yep, it's like that.

Let's look at the wall situation, to better illustrate  You told your people that Mexico would build a wall. This is basically how it went, play-by-play. 

You: Mexico, pay for that wall to be built. 

Mexico: Lolwut? No. 

You: (To citizens). My citizens, Mexico will pay for the wall! (To Mexico) Look, bro, you just gotta do this for me. Please? 

Mexico: News! News! Trump won't leave me alone about this wall, he keeps whining and begging me to make him look good, and it's annoying...

You're such an embarrassment, politicians around the world are now refusing to meet with you because they don't want to be seen with you. Rather than reaching "the art of the deal" with politicians, politicians are now telling you, "Bye, Felicia!" 

Who's Felicia? You are, buddy.

Yep. This, too. 

You are Felicia, Trump. If you were in school with all the other world leaders, you'd be the kid who is so hated that the only reason he's not expelled is because he has rich parents. Yes, Donald Trump, you are the unpopular kid who ends up having to beg the average kids to get an invite to the lunch table.

The more you talk, Donald, the worse your position gets. Like, you know how police give you the right to remain silent? Use it, because, let's face it, even your aides are tired of having to try to get you to shut your mouth. Some aides even admitted that they gag a lot of crazy already.

So, please. If you care at all about how you look to the international community, or if you care in the least bit about how your countrymen look abroad, shut your mouth. 

That's all. Just close it. No more talkie. I don't care if you're in power or not. I legit walked away from the political conversation in this country for a while, primarily because I might get a rage-related stroke if I don't. 

I don't care what laws you try to pass, primarily because I'm assuming that they will eventually get overturned. At this point, I wouldn't even care if you tried to pass a law to make fairies come out of my butt. 

All I care about is your silence and having a presentable face of American politics. So, please... 

Just. Stop. Talking.



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