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by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Both Houses of Congress passed a resolution (less than a bill, more than a strawberry bacon cheeseburger parfait) grandiosely named “A Resolution to Force the President Against His Will to Acknowledge That Racist Organizations Such as The Kook Klux Klan, Neo-Nasties and Other White Supremacists Who Go Under the Banner of the ‘Alte Kocker Right’ Are Inherently Violent, And Are Engaging in Terrorism When They Are Violent, And Should, Therefore, Be Condemned in the Strongest Possible Terms for Such Violence.” Don’t be put off by the title, though; the resolution, in its entirety, reads: “Racism is bad.”
Yes, the title of the resolution is 38 times longer than the resolution itself. This is by no means a record. The title of a 1968 law regulating interstate keep on truckin’ was over 1,876 times longer than the bill it named; the title, alone, had to be published in two separate volumes.
“Being against racism is like being against cancer or nuclear war or...or mullets,” stated Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer. “No reasonable person could possibly argue in favour of any of these things — especially mullets. Right?”
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has yet to offer an opinion on haircuts (probably because those who live in glass houses should not throw curling irons); he has also failed to sign the resolution, and there are no indications whether he will or not. Sources close to the President (which, in this context, means he won’t be tweep-ranting against them for at least a couple of days...okay, hours...by which I mean minutes...alright, so he won’t be tweep-ranting against them for another couple of days...) say that he has been debating whether to get a patch for his left eye or his right eye in anticipation of making an announcement.
He appears (monocularly) to have no good choice. On the teeter, if he doesn’t sign the resolution, half the Reduhblican Party will primary him in 2020. Their promotional campaign will feature images of Adolf Hitlinminjongpot and President McDruhitmumpf side by side, with the tag line, “Separated at birth?” This will not endear him to the “I want you to understand that I may be racist tolerant but I am not actually one myself” Middle Vesampucceri part of his base.
On the totter, if he does sign the resolution, the other half of the Reduhblican Party will primary him in 2020. Their promotional campaign will feature images of former President Barry Bushbamclintreagbus and President McDruhitmumpf side by side, with the tag line, “Separated at birth?” This will not endear him to the “we’re not racist, we’re racialist, and we wish more people would appreciate the distinction” Middle Vesampucceri part of his base.
Teeter totters — not child’s play.
“Why, whatever could we have possibly done to make you think that we would be willing to put the President in a difficult position where he would be forced to choose between two actions both of which would have negative consequences?” beamed Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich. Beamed in a sort of mildew-covered manner which is the way of reptiles. “I wanna assure everybody who is listening that Congress supports this President to the full extent to which he has supported us in the past. Especially the recent past. Like, two days ago.”
President McDruhitmumpf should be afraid. He should be very afraid.
“So, its war,” a voice came to us in a dream. A woman’s voice. A smart person woman’s voice.
“Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam!” we said. We were flying through the clouds with both feet planted firmly on the ground. Dreams are weird like that. “Is that you?”
“It’s a passive-aggressive war, to be sure,” the dream voice ignored our question. “The kind of war where nobody wants to use the term ‘nuclear option’ because for at least one of the sides it is not a metaphor. You have to feel bad for the Reduhblican Party. I mean, other than courting racists and driving away all of its moderates since the time of Nixwatmondnewon, they’ve done nothing to deserve this...”
As it started raining foozelberries and refrigerators began to grow skinny arms that ended in white gloves and flapped faster than the lips of a witness before a Special Prosecutor, we asked the voice in the dream how it thought this war would end.
“Remembeeerrrrrr meeeeeeeeeee...” the voice wafted on the wind, not unlike a metaphorical plastic bag, but not much like it, either.
Yep. Definitely token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. She was always annoying like that!