Dan Johnson
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American Ostrich

A quick naturalist guide to your fellow Americans


Americanus Ignoramus.

Successor to the now extinct American Eagle. Symbolic emblem for a nation of 350 million people unwilling to face increasingly unpleasant realities. Icon of a country spoiled by prosperity to a point that they are no longer willing to administer their own affairs with any semblance of maturity.

Flightless and prone to fright. Frequently obese, sugar-addled or malnourished. Yet, convinced of moral, physical and spiritual superiority. Strung out on entitled delusions.

Despite inheriting centuries of post-enlightenment thinking, advanced scientific knowledge and reams of philosophical musings dating back to antiquity, the American Ostrich prefers to anesthetize itself with reality television, petty celebrity bickering and further modes of instant gratification culture that provide a short-lived, if potent, high that counters the overwhelming dread that has come to define their lives.

How the American Eagle became the American Ostrich is somewhat unclear given our newly acquired taste for amnesia. The national bird likely gave up the privilege of high-soaring flight due to a plague of rabid consumerism. During the high years of the late 20th century, the species’ wings atrophied into uselessness as the hardships of life gave way to an abundance of material comforts.

What is clear is that the Ostrich’s vision is now willfully short-sighted and limited to black and white. When confronted with new paradigms, lateral thinking, relativistic social arrangements, far-sighted planning or an imperative for personal change, the Ostrich retreats to an underground burrow just large enough to accommodate their fattened heads. 

It is here that the American Ostrich feels most at home. Strewn in cheap symbols ranging in potency from the omnipresent American flag to out-of-context quotes from the Founding Fathers/token Leftist thinkers  , the ostrich’s subterranean hovel is then packed with garish commodities, status-communicating consumer goods and a host of other needless toys that serve only to accumulate personal debt.

The Ostrich then hermetically seals its head off from life beyond by insulating itself from dissenting opinions with ample social media blocks and a carefully curated world view drawn from preferred sub-intellectual opinions vomited into the collective psychosphere by the likes of Mike Rowe and the hosts of Good Morning America.

Lacking self-awareness or any sense of cognitive dissonance, the American Ostrich will engage with the outside world via a system of crudely reasoned and hastily typed broad stroke attacks on nebulous institutions such as Capitalism, the Gub'ment, Globalization, Mass Agriculture, Religion, Assistance Programs and even the established principle of a Round Earth. 

As the world around the ostriches begins to crumble from ill-repair, entrenched ignorance, greed and the ambitions of toxic ego, the Ostrich stoutly refuses to heed any and all calls for renewed attention, effort and reasonable participation.

Instead, the Ostrich responds to every new threat from ecological collapse to lopsided economic stratification hedging on feudalism with a rote, ineffective and misaimed hate response to a pre-selected out-group minority (typically vague stereotypes of Cucks, Libtards, Nazis, Fascists, Communists, Blacks, Rednecks, Muslims, Christians, Jews,  foreigners of all stripes, diehard fans of the country singer/hip hop MC/pop star villain du jour, an abstract “deep state,” far east conspiracies and whatsoever else can be conveniently shoehorned into the role of boogie man for a day).

Regardless of assurances to the contrary, it is impossible to distinguish the American Ostrich by its political party affiliations, home, upbringing, haircut, education or wardrobe. The species’ defining characteristic is a lazy mind trained only to maintain its fleeting and paltry self-interest while investigating new and inventive ways to shove its bulbous imitation of a brain-filled head squarely up its own asshole.

Warning: even through the internet, contact with an American Ostrich can damage your faith in the feasibility of continued intelligent life on the globe. You stand to gain nothing from interacting with them. They cannot be saved by your efforts. They will not have an overnight epiphany and realize how they doomed they are.

Though the American Ostrich may gradually evolve into a different, higher function species, the greater likelihood is that they will go extinct. 

For your own good, do not stand in Natural Selection's way.