After just a few months, the Trump administration has been a clown car of scandal. The mouthpiece for this, alongside the golden-skinned leader himself, is former Easter Bunny, Sean Spicer.
Among the recent silliness in the briefing room and increasing appearances of his substitute spinner, there have been calls to replace Spicer, so here are my suggestions of people who should replace Spicer.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Sarah Huckabee is the aforementioned substitute or his deputy press secretary. She’s been increasingly visible in Spicer’s absences and seems like a decent replacement for Spicer. She has a - get this - amicable relationship with the press.
Without the constant antagonism Spicer has become famous for, maybe we could get actual information out of the notoriously misleading administration. Or maybe we could get alternative facts with a smile. Either way, if they’re going to replace Spicer, Huckabee seems like the logical choice.
One of Trump’s right-hand yes-men, Kushner has taken on a number of challenging positions for the empire, er, government. Tasked with, among other duties, solving the opioid crisis and peace in the Middle East, it would seem that the Kush has a lot on his plate.
And true, we’ve never actually heard him speak. But that, ladies and gentle-bums, is the exact reason he might be a good press secretary. No news is good news, and ignorance is bliss, so we could hear a whole lot of nothing straight from the horse's mouth. Wouldn’t you love it if this handsome sleaze-bag delivered the babbling incoherence that really doesn’t provide any information anyway? Maybe not, let’s keep moving.
You may remember Billy Bush for the infamous recording of our commander-in-chief’s “locker room talk” where he sets women’s rights back about 50 years.
But get this, Billy, his interviewer in said clip, spent years as a presenter for entertainment shows. That natural douchey charisma pairs nicely with Trump's arrogant bravado, and together, there’s no telling how far back they can take feminism. And with his recent apology for the “pussy grabbing” incident, he could be the sympathetic mouthpiece the administration needs to get back on schedule with screwing over poor people.
A Kitty Cat
Why would you want an adorable kitty cat to replace Spicer? The real question, here, is: why wouldn’t you want an adorable kitty cat to replace Spicer? Even those who are deathly allergic find kittens adorable, just ask the internet. A cute, wide-eyed, fuzzy kitty would be one of the most epic PR moves in history and would mend some of the fences with the press the asshole in chief has trampled over the last few months. Wait, a few months? That’s it?!
There isn’t a person alive who doesn’t remember the absurdity that commenced when the Republican candidates were whittled down to Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. And that absurdity is exactly why, of all of the people who should replace Sean Spicer, Teddy Bear Cruz is at the top of my list.
First, he’s transparent as hell. He has a “serious big boy face” when he’s being insincere, which is most of the time, so you can tell when he’s lying. He also tries to get everyone to like him, which, aside from playing nice with the press, would almost certainly lead to some hilarious situations. The biggest problem is that no one can stand to look at his creepy gremlin face for more than 30 seconds or their retinas will burn up.
Richard Spencer or Milo Yiannopoulos
Two of the biggest douche bags of all time, tag teaming the press with their insane neo-Nazi bullshit. Why would we want them to talk? Simple, to dig themselves a hole. Nobody likes the press secretary, they just deliver bad news and get pummeled with questions all day. Who better to watch suffer than that Nazi who got punched and the guy who made a career out of being annoying? No, not Carrot Top, the other one.
Whoever Putin's Got
Screw it, Trump will never admit it but c’mon, man.
The White House reeks of borscht and Flynn’s vodka soaked uniform is all over the place. According to Putin, people love Putin, so why not have his guy replace Spicer? I don’t know who the press secretary for Russia is, but it’s not like he’ll be angrier than Sean Spicer. Then again, everything sounds angry in Russian. The point is, you could speak in Klingon and communicate more information that Spicer, so why not give it a try?
So far, the people who should replace Sean Spicer on this list have been, admittedly, long shots. But Fox News’ Kimberly Guilfoyle could actually have a shot at the job. According to The Washington Post, her name was tossed around by the biggest asshole in the world himself, and having someone from the biggest joke in mainstream media on the team could lend the administration some much-needed credibility. Ah who am I kidding, nobody takes Fox News seriously.
Change is stressful, so there’s something to be said for the status quo. Given Spicer’s inept performance, it’s probably a bad idea to keep him around, but what if I told you there was another way? A way to include Spicey’s trademark anger but convey actual information and make us all laugh at the same time?
Melissa McCarthy is a national comedy treasure, and with her helming the communications ship it wouldn’t even matter how badly the administration is destroying the world. Heck, she could even do the briefings from her mobile podium while driving down the street.
Obviously, Donald Trump’s favorite topic of conversation is Donald Trump. He’s a horrible narcissist who, as long as nobody questions him, is perfectly content to talk about himself all day. I’m actually pretty surprised he hired anyone to do it in the first place, it’s the only job in the administration he’s actually sort of qualified for. So why not? Maybe it’ll distract him from ruining the rest of the world. Of all the people who should replace Spicer, Donald Trump is the best choice.
Truth be told, it doesn’t matter who’s going to replace Spicer. They’re not going to have a good relationship with the press and they’re going to tow the party line. Period. Maybe I’m cynical, but we’re not even six months in. To replace Spicer is to delay the inevitable catastrophe(s) coming our way. We might as well have a good time while we wait on the four bloated neo-Nazis of the apocalypse.