Saving Private Ryanwetballoons (for a Court Martial)

by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer

Lieutenant Stewie “Generis” McTestosterone of the Fourth Beanie Baby Brigade had half of his face blown off in the aptly named Givemhellemanns Province of Afghanistan when a land mine disguised as an assault rifle blew up during a routine door to door roust and roast of locals. He might have been able to keep his eyebrows and three quarters of his nose if Private Melinda Ryanwetballoons had been by his side instead of pushing paper (on colleagues who worked exclusively on their PDAs) at regimental headquarters pending a VCLU lawsuit on his status.

“I don’t care what anybody sssaysss,” Lieutenant McTestosterone sssaid through bandaged lipsss — sorry. Battle facial deformity can be catching. “Melinda wasss the bessst field cossmetic sssurgeon I’ve ever had the pleasssure of ssserving alongssside! It’sss a ssshame he wasn’t there when that munisssion went off — a damn ssshame!”

You might think Private Ryanwetballoons had been given desk duty for making crank calls to a General about a latrine. If so, you’ve clearly seen one too many episodes of M*A*S*H* (it was really reaching for plotlines in the final couple of seasons). In reality, Private Ryanwetballoons was out of action because of an argument within the government of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf about the state of the Private’s genitals. In brief (because the Vesampuccerian military discourages boxers), Private Ryanwetballoons’, err, privates had started out like his father’s, but were now more like his mother’s. [For those of you who don’t understand how this happens, the online version of this article will include a reprint of the grade four primer, “Mommy, Why Does Daddy Look Like You Now?”]

This became an issue two weeks ago, when President McDruhitmumpf signed an Executive Order barring transgender people from the military. One of the stated reasons was to save the army the cost of gender reassignment surgery.

“Oh, please!” Scoffed famed Vesampuccerian Civil Liberties Union lawyer Alan Greenurpassterspanz. “What the army spends on gender reassignment surgery is less than one tenth of what it spends on medication for erectile dysfunction. If the military is serious about saving money, it should be barring older heterosexual males!”

The other stated cause for barring the transgendered from military service was because it could undermine troop cohesion. While this conjures up images of soldiers being Crazy Glued to each other (which only happens during cadet hazings, never to active troops in the field...well, except for that one time, but Sargent Droopy Ankles is very, very sorry), troop cohesion is really just a fancy term for soldiers being able to work with each other.

“Troop cohesssion?” Lieutenant McTestosterone moaned. “What about my fasssial cohesssion? Did the Presssident give any thought to my fasssial cohesssion?”

When asked about that, Grey House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders replied, “Facial cohesion? Whaut — is that some kind o’ 80s metal band?”

The Joint Chiefs of Staff, mindful that thousands of transgender men, women, and people in between were serving with honour at the time the policy was announced, told the President that they would need at least six months to study how best to implement it. They were likely hoping that the President would be too busy fending off indictments in the Fenwick scandal by then to remember the EO.

The VCLU was not content to rely on the President’s short attention span to get justice for transgendered people in the military, so it is suing the government for that old chestnut of acting unConstitutionally. “Every Vesampuccerian has the universe-given right to get horribly maimed fighting a war we shouldn’t be in in a place few of us can point out on a map for principles nobody believes are at stake to defend a country that would deny our soldiers their basic human rights if they lived there!” Famed VCLU lawyer Greenurpassterspanz intoned. Then, he took a great, heaving gasp of air.

What’s the real motive behind the EO? The President seems to be pandering to the religious element of his base. “God does not play dice with people’s gen...i...ta...lia,” said the Reverend Charles Ludwidottidgson, President of the Moron Majority, his distaste so palpable that everybody within a three block radius reached for a breath mint. “A scientist said that, so it must be true. Or, in any case, heathens such as yourself do not feel it proper to argue. If you don’t accept the body parts that God gave you, you’ll burn in Hell. That’s a fact. We just want to speed you along in your journey, is all.”

But, isn’t pandering a sin in the Bible?

“Well, there you go,” the Reverend Ludwidottidgson complained. “First, you want us to modernize our teachings. Then, when we do, you complain that we’re not following scripture! I tell you, you just can’t win with liberals!”